my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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