Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
