I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
