Hey man sorry I got all grabby
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
