hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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