My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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