bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My hand turned me down
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
