Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
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she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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