my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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