Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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