just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
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Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
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Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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