He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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