You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
