I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
