the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
