I have demons in me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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