He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
