I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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