So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
