what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
