There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
