Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
