I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
