The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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