im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Holy shit dude........stairs
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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