bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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