If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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