If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
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I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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