Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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