Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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