Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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