I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
