she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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