it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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