oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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