i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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