I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
