I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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