3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
