I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.