I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
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I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
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I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.