Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.