Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
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Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
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I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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