I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
