if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
