do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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