Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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