the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Hippo gnu deer
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
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It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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