I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
