What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
