I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Randomize
