I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
