I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My liver just had a heart attack.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
