We won't sleep together?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
