1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
