My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
