I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
