Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
