I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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