I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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