I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
