based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
