Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
