I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
